god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
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Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
I can’t be the only one 😂
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Buck naked
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Putting my ducks in a basket and my eggs in a row…
…because chaos.
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there