There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
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Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
To Do List While in Jail
1. Ask someone for an Eskimo kiss and when they shake their head no say,”Hey why’d you start without me?”
2.
3.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
My job as a father is to purchase a broken old car, put it into my garage, and force my children to deal with it when I die.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.