I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
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Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
i wish i could marry a nap
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.