before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
You Might Also Like
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
I was on the phone with my parents and I brought up how I’m parenting differently than they did, so they became defensive saying “Well, look how well you turned out” and I heard my wife laughing all the way from Target.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
I’m putting together a team
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
Its a hippotatomus
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Basketball games are very squeaky.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it