My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
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Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.