I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
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Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Note to self: always read the final line
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
“Either shave your legs or kiss me”
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