When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
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All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”