Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
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Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
ROBIN: the batmobile won’t start
BATMAN: check the battery
ROBIN: what’s a tery
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
Husband: How much did you spend on those new boots?
Me: *turns on the blender* What?
Husband: I said…
Me: *turns on the vacuum* Sorry, can’t hear you!
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No