The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
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Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
interviewer: what are your strengths
me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it
interviewer: what about weaknesses
me: my mom’s a mess
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
*turns on broadcast TV*
Wow, I’m actually watching TV as it airs. Who even does that anymore?
*sees Activia ad*
*sees Metamucil ad*
*sees Cialis ad*
I think I have the answer.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.