If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
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Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
EMTs showed up at my house unexpectedly, so I guess the neighbors did see me when the bee landed on my head
Fun date idea: Put a fake diamond ring in your dessert and act like your date proposed. Men love that.
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
I just want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like “If the puma seems restless, let him splash in the Jacuzzi a bit.”
*birds dress Cinderella for school*
*gets to school, goes into bathroom*
*buncha rabid squirrels gather and re-dress her in goth shit*
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS