If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
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Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
the last time i went hiking i almost passed out from holding my breath as i passed a group of much more fit hikers so they wouldn’t hear how i was truly fighting for my life walking up the hill at the beginning of the trail.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.