I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
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can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them