The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
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Can we get Downton Abbey-style series about the Hogwarts janitors and kitchen staff?
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
Find out if they really listen to you by occasionally replacing please and thanks with squeeze and yanks.
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
the falling leaves of autumn give way to the bear trees of winter
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.