Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
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I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Me: I’m going to mall
Wife: For what?
Me: Oh, you know. To, um, shop
Wife: So, you’re NOT going to stand at the top of the escalator saying “wow, that escalated quickly” to everyone that gets off?
Me: I thought I asked you not to bring that UP.
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday