Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
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I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
Pizza delivery guy just rang my doorbell & I didn’t order pizza. Told him he had wrong house, one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.