A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women
You Might Also Like
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Pringles, it’s time to widen the can. Your target demographic isn’t thin-wristed.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Watermelon Boss!
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
When I die and doctors perform an autopsy, they’ll probably find twenty pounds of stickers off of fruit in my intestines
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
We’ve come full circle
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito