WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
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Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
thanksgiving in nutshell
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩