Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
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I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Woke up at 5am because I rolled over and my foot got too close to my dog and he started barking to make sure me and all my neighbors knew.
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I leave spider carcasses on the wall to make sure the other spiders understand..
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.