My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
“You’ve lost some weight.” sounds suspiciously like “You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.”.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Not helping
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Note to self: always read the final line
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
If someone catches you doing something inappropriate don’t stop, just do it slowly while keeping eye contact.
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.