The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
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He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Mornin
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato