I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
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[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Daughter: will you help me with my philosophy paper.
Me: who are you writing about?
Daughter: I haven’t picked anyone yet.
Me: sounds like you put Descartes before dehorse lol.
Daughter: seriously?
Me:
Daughter:
Me: Kant stop won’t stop : )
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
I love sipping margaritas by the pool. Or, as my neighbor with a pool calls it, “Trespassing.”
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
One time i watched a movie where al pacino played a cop & then i watched another one where he was a real estate salesman & then another one where he was a union leader & i was all, like, “haha, can this guy NOT hold down a job?”
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.