I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
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When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town
“Omg, I know where that is!!”
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
*cracks neck*
*grabs bat*
*finishes juice box*
Ok. I’m in.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible