True freaking story!
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I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
I need to get some bricks…
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
finally found a reasonable question
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.