Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
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Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on
[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
my nickname in college
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
Dear Mr. Horsefly:
Today you angrily, and aggressively, began to attack me without mercy or remorse as I tried to enjoy a refreshing beverage outside.
Just know, the reason I quickly ran into my home was not because of you, but because I had to turn off the oven.