My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
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This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
I may disagree with what you say, but I will defend to the death this little fort I made out of mashed potato with gravy as a moat and the carrots are cannons. Sorry, what were you saying?
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
*Britney Spears releases a new fragrance*
*the other dinner guests look embarrassed and pretend not to notice.*
kids play hide and seek like
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Has science gone too far?
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
He a real one for that
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head