[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
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me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
officer: witnesses say the baby was tossed out of the restaurant like a football
detective: for crying out loud!
officer: most likely yes
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
My 3 year old cat literally just walked up to me and said, “Mother, it is absolutely shocking how many people on Twitter lie about things their children supposedly do and say.” And he’s right.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
catch me on valentine’s day like
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.