Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
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My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
incredible book dedication
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Morning my dudes.
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
There was a moth on my computer screen so I googled “what eats moths?” and found a picture of a bat. I moved the picture around the screen to try and simulate flying. The moth was undisturbed but my experiments continue.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
estão todos miauvindo?