Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
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It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
ugh not again
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
The best plant holders?
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.