This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
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person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
No Google it does not
ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
so much to do
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢