Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
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“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
yes, those are my real potatoes.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.