Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
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You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
October already? What’s next? November????
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
i cannot relate to all these YA main characters that have the focus and determination to complete their little tasks and save the world. after about two weeks when the hyperfixation of it wore of, i’d let the planet die bc i discovered knitting
Release that sexual frustration, get a burger.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
That’s fair
“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.