“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
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When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him?
I told him everyone knows he doesn’t hire stupid people……
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch
Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
Trying
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.