Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
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trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”