Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
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“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Villain: Does crimes.
Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
Escape rooms because why sit in your house with your kids when you can pay someone to lock you in a room with them and force you all to solve puzzles
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
@funTweeters “Bird Box 2” 2019. Rated:R. Run time: 6 minutes 11 seconds. Plot: Nightmarish aliens who invaded Earth and have killed, or forced into hiding, most of the population commit mass suicide after encountering the one force they didn’t count on…Chuck Norris.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well