[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
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I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs