Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
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This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
let’s discuss
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
the prophecy has been fulfilled