A wise man once told me,
“Sir for just 50 cents more, you can add cheese to that”
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That’s easy for you to say
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
when someone rings the doorbell
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
[at a dance]
HER: why don’t you take the lead
ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
i actually laughed 😩
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down