My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
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before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!