centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
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Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
looks legit
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Whoever stacked these books is both evil and hilarious.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why