Why is it always big, scary houses that are haunted?
It’s never “oh my god, don’t go into Kevin’s efficiency apartment, there’s a ghost in there!!!”
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i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome. It was terrible at first but by the end I kind of liked it.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
When you try jalapeños for the first time
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger