People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
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Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
the #horror is real!
I’ve turned the wifi off. The 15yo’s world has ended. I feel like one of the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse.
Conquest, War, Famine & Dad.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Awesome parenting 😂
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”