my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
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Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
4 asked me to play with her & I said I was making lunch & she yelled “IF YOU DONT I’LL ASK DADDY” & I was about to yell back when I realised it was a win for me so I said “ok ask daddy” but this made her suspicious so now we’re just staring at each other unsure what to do next
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”