[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
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Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Doctor: I got your test results back from the lab and I have some bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: by the time I got them back he had chewed them up pretty bad
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults
Body by Oreos
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit