GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
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I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
welcome back
Thursday
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
They say women only use 10% of their anger
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe