The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
You Might Also Like
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Me: Hey bud, you want to read a book?
3:
Me: Do a puzzle?
3:
Me: Paint?
3:
Me: Okay well I have to put your brother down for a nap. Just be quiet please.
3: [Leads a marching band through living room while on parade float]
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.