“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
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If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.