Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
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White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
The asteroid..
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
where do you see yourself in five years?
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
just saw hunger games and woah, when did all that stuff happen? so messed up dude
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
I learned most of what I know about dropping pianos on people from cartoons.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
oh my gosh!!
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay