Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
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My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.