It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
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me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
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Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn