When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
You Might Also Like
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
[first person to have a houseplant]
i’d like to kill something very slowly in the privacy of my own home
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
Cashier: Have a great day
[goes to cashier’s home in the evening}
Me: I have bad news
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.